this saturday i had a long run, 15 miles, 13 at goal marathon pace, a warm up and a cool down mile. the pacing was not an effort i couldn’t maintain, and i walked away with more confidence that i will sub 4 hours in marseille.
when my mom asked me what i did on saturday, there was no way to put that into words. or there weren’t few enough words to put that into. or the words weren’t right. if i’d gone out on a great date, gotten engaged or impregnated by a marriage minded dentist with a 401k, the sense of ‘toni just did something really great for her life’ would have hit home.
it’s not that my parents aren’t proud. because they are. i face timed my mom when i crossed the finish in paris, my first marathon, and we both cried- how on earth had i done that, we wondered? when i beat my PR by nearly an hour in chicago, my sister was at mile 3, 12 and 20- smiling proudly, and shocked when i stopped to hug her each of the three times. after the NY marathon my brother sat on the couch with me, my lips still purple, saying i’d made it look effortless.
they’re proud. but they don’t get it.
and they’re probably really sick of hearing about it. and that has to be okay.
these goals are for me- but it’s hard not to rely on the encouragement of the people in your life. i would love it if my mom would say ‘oh, 15 miles at goal marathon pace? that’s fantastic, just push it a little harder next time, that’s what trainings for, to see what you can do on race day’ but she’s not going to say that. she’ll listen to me til her eyes glaze over and we can go back to talking about netflix.
because people ask me what i’ve been up to and i want to talk about tempo runs and miserable speed workouts that i’m so glad i completed.
because i’m undatable and in bed by 10
because i genuinely want to talk about sneakers
because my dad will never ask me if i managed a negative split
because my sister does not care if i’m so tired i could scream. she’s pregnant. she’s tired.
because i’m still not proud of myself and i have to see what else i can do
and i have to be ready because when i break four hours, and when i eventually boston qualify, and complete a 100 miler- because i will do all of these things; they will reply simply ‘that’s so great! have you been watching ‘The American’s?’