i am so tired my brain is screaming.
i sat down this morning and inexplicably sobbed.
nothing’s wrong- i am just. so. spent.
luckily today is my rest day, because honestly, i think if i were to run, it would be into an insane asylum.
i decided a few weeks ago, after some uncomfortably sharp reviews of my finances, that i was living above my means. so i decided to move out of my apartment and into a more affordable spot. let’s face it- running marathons is expensive! as is my equinox habit…and I choose nice gyms over rent.
so i got home on friday after work, with the intention to buckle down, and pack my apartment in one full sweep.
it went something like this:
open apartment door. look around. chew a pack of gum. look around some more.
walk to Brooklyn Running Company, with the intention of buying some GU for the next days long run…walk out with a new pair of winter running pants, shorts, and GU…so, you can see, my savings have already started!
i then proceeded to sit on the floor of my apartment and read old writing, journals, and letters until my friend came by and told me to stop crying and start packing.
i woke up saturday in a semi packed, very messy apartment, and hit the road for my 18 mile run. i ran the first 12 with NBR (the running team), which was nice because the miles ticked by effortlessly, however, i was keeping an eye on my pace, and i was super wary that i could keep it up for 18 miles- let alone- complete 18 miles if i blew out too early. alas. i suck at pacing myself! this was meant to be a long slow run, but wound up being 18 miles, sub GMP. i’ll take it. but honestly, the last 4 miles were brutal. i felt like lead.
i couldn’t spend the rest of saturday relaxing and re-cooping, instead, i was packing and cleaning. i fell into bed and watched the horror of our current administrations immigration ‘policy’ unfold, and stayed up half the night panicking about Holocaust 2017.
the next day, the day i was actually meant to move, i got up, ran three miles and had a wipe out workout at athletic conditioning. then i went home and panicked about my move. oh right, and my new place is a walk up, three floors.
the mileage is getting high, and my brain is mashed potato.
why am i always marathon training? why couldn’t i feel good about myself in a normal way, like working hard at my job?