what am i doing

i am never going to win a marathon.

i probably won’t win a local 5k

most friday evenings i cancel plans so i can get in 8 hours of sleep before a race or an early morning long run with my team.

they just made me a run leader for the wednesday night runs- i lead the mid pack crew, we do around 5-6miles, at around an 8/8:30 pace, it would take me at least another year to be fast enough to lead the front runners, and then what?

when i show up to a track workout, next to so many skinny legs and a pack of women who seemingly, without effort charge in front of me, the last syllables of their conversations hitting my face while I’m charging on. i feel all over the place. i still feel like an impostor. how many marathons do i need to run before that feeling goes away?

when am i going to run a race fast enough for me to feel validated?

what am i doing this for?

why am i awake at 5am to push sore quads and tired toes into sneakers

why am i blocking my month, season and year out into increments of training

no matter how many miles i run i’m still here- i don’t know where i’m trying to go




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